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What to wear to a funeral
By Meg | November 3, 2007
There’s one event that I wish I didn’t have to dress up for, but that’s because I wish that I didn’t have to go to so many of them. Just a couple weeks ago I had to attend the funeral of my aunt. Earlier this year, I attended the funeral of my room mate and best friend — a girl even younger than me. Unfortunately, those are only a couple of about a dozen or so funerals I’ve attended. During times like those, I find myself thinking about what to wear, if only because it’s easier to think about what shoes match my dress than to allow reality to take over. Being the unlucky expert in this area that I’ve become, I figured that I would share my thoughts on the subject.
Dress up but judge not
On the one hand, I firmly believe that we should try our bests not to judge others on what they wear to a funeral. People deal with grief differently, and I’d rather see everyone come that is willing to come, regardless of what they wear. After all, it’s not like we get an invite months ahead of time, giving us time to shop for the unhappy occasion. Plus, many people have different ideas of what is and is not appropriate. My own advice here is based on my personal experience, living in Florida, and I can’t vouch for the customs of other places.
On the other hand, dressing appropriately is a sign of respect for the deceased and for other mourners. Plus, one should already have suitable clothes in their wardrobe. After all, funerals aren’t the only occasions that one has to dress up with some modesty. So, don’t wear jeans and t-shirt unless you really have to.
Color
Black is the color most strongly associated with funerals, once being the predominant color at funerals. Times have changed, though, and I can’t remember going to a funeral where it was the primary color. The typical custom seems to be to wear a mix of subdued colors, including black, gray, khaki, light blue, purple, navy, and so on. While I wouldn’t say that wearing black is passée, going in black from head to toe can be too much. Pair a black dress with white pearls or a black top with a gray skirt.
In some cases, people have been asked not to wear black to funerals because the deceased wants their passing to be celebrated on account of religious beliefs. Other times, people are asked to wear the deceased’s favorite color. If that is the case, it is best to try to follow the requests. Don’t wear bright colors, though, unless you are specifically asked to do so, or if you feel particularly called to a color in memory of the deceased.
Styles and cuts
Women should especially avoid wearing anything that’s too tight or that exposes too much. You don’t have to dress schlumpy, but this is not the time to try to impress the guys. You may find yourself bending over to greet people who are seated, so make sure that you will not be giving them a view down your top. Likewise, don’t wear anything that’s too short. Stick to knee-length or longer. Also, it is a good idea to cover one’s shoulders. If your top or dress is sleeveless, add a cardigan or short-sleeved jacket.
Men, you’ve got it pretty easy. Wear a dark-colored suit, a dress shirt in a subdued color, a tie that doesn’t have anything silly on it, socks that match your pants, dress shoes, and a belt to match. You may end up taking off your suit jacket if other men do the same, but it’s nice to have it with you as an option.
Accessories
I love using accessories as a way to add color to an outfit, but in this case you should still keep things rather subdued. Jewelry should be kept very simply and not flashy at all. If in doubt, a simple set of pearls is perfect for the occasion. Bags should also not be flashy, though you can get away with more color here. Shoes should match the outfit. You can definitely wear cute shoes, but this is not the time for your outfit to be all about the shoes. Plus, you’ll want to wear something comfortable since you may be standing for long periods of time. But for goodness sakes, don’t wear Crocs or flip flops! Closed-toed dress shoes are far more appropriate.
Guys, leave the baseball caps at home.
For a Viewing
For viewings and wakes, you can generally expect the dress to be a bit more casual and less somber since people will be reserving their dressier, more somber clothes for the funeral. For example, men might wear nice khakis instead of suit pants and forego the suit jacket. The advice above still generally applies, though.
Tags: Color, Etiquette, Impressions, Modesty, Special Occasions
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November 3rd, 2007 at 9:28 pm
I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. Indeed, dressing for funerals is always tricky. You want to look polished, but you don’t want to worry too much about it.
November 3rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Thanks Valley Girl. And what you said is very true.
November 4th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Ditto.. sorry about your aunt :(
I haven’t been to a funeral lately (thank goodness)… but I’ve always stuck to neutrals especially grey, and very conservative items just as your post has pointed out.
November 5th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Thanks FB.
Gray is a great neutral for so many occasions. For my aunt’s viewing I wore a gray skirt and black bateau neck top.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Meg, my condolences. Funerals are a part of life that you just never get used to. I lost my aunt a few years ago and I wore a pleated black skirt and a cream blouse with a peach flower. Since my aunt was a stylish woman who loved color, I knew she would appreciate me wearing something colorful and fun.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Thank you STYLEnosh.
I’m sure your aunt would have approved. I love black and cream together, and peach is such a lovely, cheery color without being flashy.