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Loosing weight isn’t all about appearances — or willpower
By Meg | February 1, 2008
Long, sappy story alert. Don’t read if you’re wearing mascara that isn’t water-proof.
I haven’t talked much here about loosing weight. Obviously, weight is definitely an issue when it comes to appearance, not just in terms of beauty but also when it comes to how people see you. I don’t want to repeat the stereotypes; I’m sure you know them already.
The last thing I want to do is come off sounding judgemental about weight. While some people think that all you need is a little willpower to be thin, I know that it’s far from that simple and that we shouldn’t judge people’s characters by how much they weigh. Likewise, people who are anorexic aren’t vain lemmings trying to look like models and they don’t need to “just eat a cookie”.
Unfortunately, weight isn’t just all about appearances. It’s also a health issue, one that hits close to home for me. And because I don’t want to go down that road, I know that I have a lot of work to do. I know I’m not alone, so I want to share with you my journey in this post and future ones.
You see, I am overweight.
That’s the cold hard fact. No, I don’t consider myself “fat” — at least not on most days. Goodness knows, I have my moments, but overall I consider myself attractive. Looking thin and wearing a size 6 isn’t my goal, though I wouldn’t mind getting into my old jeans. In the meantime, though, I love wearing skirts because I carry a lot of weight in my thighs and I can still show off my hourglass figure.
I used to think I was fat. That was back in high school. Granted, most girls seem to think that they’re fat then regardless of their weight. I was 5′10 and about 145 pounds. I was definitely not fat.
However, I also didn’t look as skinny as I was because I had a huge chest, wore baggy t-shirts as a result, and tended to wear jeans that just weren’t flattering (yes, they were “mom” jeans). When I first started talking about getting a breast reduction to help my back, a few people told me that I just needed to loose weight. I found out, though, that all I needed to do then was show them my waist and ask, “Where from?” You should have seen their faces! And when I did finally have my breast reduction, people thought I had lost weight, even though I had gained a lot of weight between high school and when I finally had the surgery a few years later.
Despite being skinny growing up, despite being able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining a pound, I found myself gaining a lot of weight very quickly my senior year. Up until then, I had been very active and very fit, but medical issues left me nearly bedridden. Plus I was taking medications that have weight gain as a side effect. I gained about 60 pounds in that year. When I got married the December after graduating high school, I was perhaps at my highest weight ever. I look back on those pictures with a little sadness.
It took a while, but I got the medical stuff mostly under control. Getting the breast reduction also helped me to feel better physically and emotionally. I got off the meds, and I started loosing the weight slowly but surely.
For a while, I was loosing about a pound every week or two. I didn’t do much differently. Basically, I cut out high fructose corn syrup at home (including sodas), drank water instead of sweetened drinks, and did some light exercise including a lot of stretching. I still had ups and downs, but I started to look forward to weighing myself at the grocery store (ours has a scale at the door, so we’ve never bought one).
Last February, I was down to my lowest weight in years, about 165 pounds. I was finally at a healthy weight again and I felt fabulous. I had just finished getting my bachelors degree the previous December, we were surrounded by great friends, and I was ecstatic that our best friend, Danielle, had moved in with us. It was working out great and I felt that life couldn’t get much better.
One of our mutual friends, J., had just come down from the Florida panhandle to surprise Danielle. J. and I were just about to head out to surprise her. I was finishing my makeup when I heard what sounded like J. laughing hysterically in the living room. I ran down the hall to see what I had missed.
She wasn’t laughing, she was sobbing. My first thought was that someone in her family had died. Then my husband looked at me with tears in his eyes and said with a trembling lip, “It’s Danielle.” She had been in a freak car accident that morning on her way to work. She died instantly.
Those were very dark times. Nothing compared, even though I had lost too many loved ones already.
It’s not hard to see, then, how I got where I am now, 20 pounds heavier. And every time I try to squeeze into those jeans, I cry not for my skinny self, but for my always smiling, always gorgeous inside and out despite being huggably chubby, friend.
But it’s been almost a year and I’m still gaining slowly. I look at what I eat and I don’t think that my eating habits are awful. I still don’t drink sodas or eat a lot of sweets. I’m not a fast food junkie. I feel like I eat better than most people I know — especially my husband who looses weight with ease. However, loosing weight isn’t a competition and the scale doesn’t lie. I know I have to reverse the trend because I know I don’t want to go further down this road.
I’ve done it before. I can do it again. But yes, there still is that hole that I’ve been trying to fill with a few extra bites.
Maybe this is my first step, though.
Tags: Food, Health, Impressions
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February 1st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I’m so sorry. How awful about your friend Danielle. I know time is really the only thing that makes these things easier, and there’s always that empty hole that we try to fill, sometimes not in the best of ways like with cookies or chips or whatever. That never fills the hole the way you wish it would.
It sounds like maybe you need a different activity or coping mechanism to keep you busy and moving along in the right direction on the path of healing. I don’t know what works for you - maybe turning to trusted friends and family members to talk and reminisce about Danielle. Maybe yoga, long walks, or church - or some other method of centering yourself and connecting with your spirit. There is something out there that will work for you.
February 1st, 2008 at 7:48 pm
By the way I should also mention that you look really good in the photo of you in your post from yesterday and I wouldn’t ever think you needed to lose weight. But I know sometimes you just want to lose weight for yourself :)
February 1st, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Thank you very much for both of your comments, Miss Squirrel! They were both very thoughtful. And thank you for reading. Writing this post was very cathartic for me and I appreciate the warm reception.
You are very right to suggest activities. Music has always been important to me and it was something that she and I shared. For months, I couldn’t sing more than a few notes without crying, and I didn’t touch my instruments. Every song reminded me of her.
The good news, though, is that now I’m singing in the same chorus that she did and have met many wonderful friends, including one that reminds me so much of her (the one who convinced me to join). That friend also convinced me to get into the band as well.
I started last semester and it is helping fill that hole, even if it hasn’t yet helped with the weight. I expect it will, though, even if it takes a while. And maybe it already has, even if I haven’t quite overcome the upwards trend.
Thanks again for what you said about the photo. I did feel very pretty sitting there last night, and I needed that. Thanks for confirming my suspicions ; )
February 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Oh, boy. Miss Janey has been there. First diet at 10, yo-yoing through her teens/20s-hell still. When Miss J quit performing, little by little she started to gain. When her stepfather died, she really packed it on. And on and on. She won’t get into to it all here but there are some postings about her struggles here. Understand, you’re still grieving… But don’t let the negative self-talk get to you. Combat it with POSITIVE self-talk, journaling and affirmations. You lost a person who made you feel wonderful- probably gave you lots of praise. Say the things she would say to yourself. Find ways of nurturing yourself- baths, meditations, lighting candles, etc. You’re not alone, Miss Meg. And you look lovely- don’t let yourself believe differently.
February 1st, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Thanks for sharing, Miss Janey! It is nice to know that I’m not alone. Although I look around and see that I’m not alone in being overweight, it’s not something that people talk much about except in terms of statistics and nutrition labels.
And you’re very right, Danielle did always say the nicest, most thoughtful things. I definitely appreciate that I still have friends like you who know how to lift my spirits. While it isn’t a replacement for a positive inner dialogue, it helps significantly in building one.
February 1st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Meg, in the photo you posted, I think you look FABULOUS. I would never have thought that you needed to lose weight. Developing and maintaining healthy habits is important for one’s whole life, though. My sympathy for the loss of your dear friend.
February 1st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Thank you, Becky! It really is nice to hear that.
And yes, healthy habits are very important! I’m doing this for my health and definitely plan to do it in healthy ways. No fad diets for me!