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How to be honest
By Meg | June 4, 2007
“Does this make my butt look fat?”.
Most people, I hope, realize that this is not a simple yes or no question. Some people do want others to lie them just to make them feel better. However, I am not one of them, and if you are unsure about how to improve your image then you should not be either. Friends can be a great - and cheap - resource of style advice. Does this mean that I want people coming up to me saying, “Your butt looks fat!” No, of course not. But I also don’t want people telling me that an outfit looks great when they don’t mean it - or worse, talking about it behind my back.
When it comes to honesty, there is a fine line between rudeness and tact. Much of that difference has to do with timing. Don’t criticize someone when they are surrounded by friends. That’s embarrassing. Wait until later when you’re alone if there is something that really does need to be said. Better times to criticize apparel, though, are when shopping with friends or before the tags come off or at least before going out the door. In the last situation, it helps to have an alternative in mind (”Why aren’t you wearing that blue dress?”). Of course, the best time to give your opinion is generally when asked.
Generally speaking, criticizing people is rude. A tactful person doesn’t criticize a person for wearing a bad dress, they criticize the dress. Instead of saying, “You look fat in that dress”, I’d say, “That dress really doesn’t flatter your figure the way it is cut” or “That dress doesn’t do anything for you.” If I knew someone was very sensitive about their weight, I might try to focus on some other problem with the outfit, like the color or a bunched up seam. Be specific, though. If you leave room for doubt about what’s wrong, many people assume that something is wrong with them. Also, be decisive. Don’t say, “It’s o.k.” O.k. might sound like “good” to you, but it will likely be interpreted as “It’s bad, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings because it’s something you won’t like to hear.”
Learning to be honest can be hard if you are a people-pleaser. It’s important to realize, though, that sometimes it is better to tell the truth upfront than to have friends later realize that you weren’t being honest with them. Of course, it is important to identify friends who are simply too sensitive to accept the truth no matter how it is sugar-coated. If someone gets defensive, that’s a sign to back off. However, I do believe that most people want a sincere opinion when they ask for an opinion and that most people want to know if what they are wearing does look horrible or shows their panty lines. On the other hand, I don’t expect everyone to accept my opinion and agree with me. That’s fine. I don’t agree with all my friends, either. I realize that we all have different styles and that’s the great thing about having a diverse group of friends: they are a free source of many ideas and lots of advice. Encourage your friends to be honest by being tactfully honest with them. Just be prepared to accept their honest opinions and know how to agree to disagree (”Thanks, I’ll consider that” usually works for me).
What do you say when a friend wears something truly awful? Do you say anything at all? Are there any lines you’ve used that work well? Have you ever wished that someone was a bit less honest with you?
Tags: Etiquette
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June 5th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Honesty is the thing I value most in a friend. If I can’t trust what they say (and they can’t trust what I say), how can we really be friends?
June 8th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Hi. I just came across your site and this post totally resonates with me.
I am known for my blunt honesty, which can be tricky as I know a lot of very emotionally sensitive people, and handling their questions is a minefield for me. I personally hate people telling me what they think I want to hear, because it’s never what I actually want to hear. I find it very difficult to humour people just to make them feel better. It seems counter-productive and I’m of the opinion people should address the reason why they feeling insecure in the first place, and tackle that, rather than rely on friends sugar coating the truth.